I didn’t mean to. That I’ll swear.
But they were lies nonetheless.
Some of them came out of my brain being in codependent mode. Some of them came from my brain recovering from codependent mode and over correcting. Some came from fear that of I told her how I really felt that I would be judged unworthy. Some came from me simply not knowing myself well enough to be honest.
But none of that matters.
Because they ended up being lies.
And that poisoned everything.
Because she could no longer trust what I was saying.
If I lied – actively, by omission, or from ignorance of myself – then how could she believe anything I said?
It doesn’t matter why it’s untrustworthy – ill intent or just ignorance – it still changes everything else one says.
And so when I told her that I loved her, she was skeptical.
When I told her she was important, she did not believe.
When I told her I was better, that I’d recovered, she doubted.
And she was right to.
There is nothing more corrosive to a relationship than not being honest about yourself.